I started researching certain types of plant medicines, such as Ayahuasca because I knew I had so much healing to do once I finally “woke up”, as it is referred to in spiritual terms. After realizing I had repressed my traumas and emotions for so many years and learning about this new found “shadow work” I was somehow supposed to come to terms with, I discovered that there are certain tools that can be extremely beneficial for the type of healing I was looking for. Many will say that the scientific evidence on Ayahuasca is limited, but once I read that it is is known to activate repressed memories in ways that allow people to come to a new understanding of their past, I was all in. As I continued my research, I learned that it helps people work through memories of traumatic events and neuroscientists are actually beginning to study Ayahuasca as a treatment for depression and PTSD.
The one thing about Ayahuasca is that it calls you. It is not for everyone. You will know when you're ready to make a change in your life because you simply can’t continue living the way you have been for years. If it calls you, you will most definitely know. I would never recommend anyone to go sit for an Ayahuasca ceremony for “fun”. It is extremely difficult to face trauma, shame, guilt, and repressed emotions all built up over the years if they were never dealt with in a healthy way. There was no doubt in my mind that I was about to dive into this new found medicine. I wanted to deal with my shadows, experience inner healing and transformation, and find my way back to my true self. After I lost my mom, everything I once knew was shattered. My coping mechanism was to bury any emotions that I had so deep down that I turned into someone I didn’t even recognize anymore. I wanted to feel like myself again, feel pure joy, and have my zest for life back. I knew there was more life out there for me to live. My soul knew it needed healing and it was time to make a shift towards a better version of myself.
Without getting specific into my experiences with Ayahuasca, I was able to realize how stubborn, judgmental, and how much pain I had buried down for years. My ego refused to surrender to the medicine for a good amount of time until I realized I wasn’t going to win the battle. It sounds short and sweet, but that was basically my lesson for my first experience with Ayahuasca. I left confused, yet extremely relieved knowing this type of work could get to the root of my pain all of these years. I let go of my mind (ego) and came back into my body (heart), which I hadn’t felt for years. It was the most beautiful gift I could have ever felt. From there I realized I had a long journey ahead of me because my new found heart needed some serious healing. It is unimaginable to describe what each ceremony teaches us, but the best way I can explain it is to realize you are tapping into your Higher Self. Ayahuasca brings us back to who we really are, what our soul needs, and knows exactly what kind of lesson each ceremony will hold for us. Everything I had once thought, or believed I had all together was completely destroyed in the best way possible. All of those constant thoughts suddenly disappear and all you are left with is your true soul. There was a moment of enlightenment and clarity that was the most blissful feeling in the world. You are the divine, you are love. If we can all find our truth, we can all reach that blissful point of enlightenment.
The ironic part of all of this is that once I dealt with all of my repressed shit I had been holding onto, I was able to connect with my mom during the ceremony. It was the most beautiful gift I could have ever asked for. She helped me remember how important it is to step into my light and believe I am worthy of everything I want in this lifetime. Reconnecting with my mom also allowed me to find the part of myself that I thought I had lost after she had passed. This experience gave me the opportunity to be able to vision myself being capable of embodying my true self. Ayahuasca reminded me to believe, love, trust, surrender, take action, and most importantly woke me up to shine my light as my true self. It showed me that sometimes it is necessary to let go of everything you are, to be able to truly step into who you are meant to me. I can feel myself when I am truly in alignment because I want to share that love and light with others. The medicine allows me to reconnect with myself so I can be better service to others that are looking to heal parts of themselves they never knew needed healing. I have the utmost respect and gratitude for the knowledge Ayahuasca has given me.
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